Buang semua puisi
Antara kita berdua
Kau bunuh dia sesuatu
Yang ku sebut, itu cinta

Yakinkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biar kan waktu, waktu
Hapus aku

The previous post, I was contemplating on whether to choose the person you love or the person who loves you. Obviously up till now, I can't really decide.

Its hard. The person I love is really almost perfect, thus why I love him. He's hilarious, caring, spontaneous, willing to do anything like travelling all the way to Yishun to pick me up at the rock climbing centre when he just booked out of camp at Bedok and went home to P Ris to shower, only for us to ride all the way back to P Ris then to East Coast.

The incident where he was right under my block as I was arriving home was classic and will go down as one of the most romantic moments ever. I still remember turning around as someone called out to me to find him sitting on his bike with his mischevious smile.

The problem with him is, as with all guys I know, is that he has this cycle thing when he gets obsessed with people and do all sorts of funny things just to get their attention and when you're used to it, he just goes missing for abit, without a reason.

I don't know what's wrong. I'm tired of going through the whole thing and I replayed the downfall of our r'ship a million times in my head. I'm tired and all cried out and at least I was smart enough to delete all his smses, the ones which made me fall for him because the memories he carved into my mind was way more than enough to last me.

Abt Adi, I made my decision to concentrate on him. At first, I was being my selfish self, thinking that it would be too weird to be labelled as attached or my status to be changed to being in a r'ship. It was too fast, too new a term for me who's single for more than a year now.

But now that I've gotten used to him and his ways, I've begun to think that I wouldn't really mind being "in a relationship" at all. Although just putting the status 'its complicated' in my facebook account has already attracted a few ppl's comments and demand for more juicy fodder.

I'm not an entertainment tabloid people. But since I got a few people hooked on the story of my life since the very horrific break up years ago, I guess I owe them an explanation. I think. Moving on...

Been thinking about J quite alot these few days. Maybe because I'm so deprived of pampering and attention that my mind went back to the times when I was pampered and treated like a child when I was with J. I could be honest and open and everything I want to be with him. He respected me and my boundaries and learnt to live around it and would do so many things for me, its unbelievable.

Come to think of it, our love affair started a long time ago when he sent me home one night. We've started talking but of course, I never would have believed that we'll be stuck outside the office one really early morning, feeding the mozzies at dawn as he leaned over to kiss me.

Up till now, it was the best first kiss I've ever had. Seriously. Damn I miss him. He was another one who commented on my change in profile status. I never thought it was going to cause an uproar but I can see that it did. Haiz, I don't know. What did J expect? That I'd wait for him to settle down and be ready? Even if he is, there's no way he'd remove his tatts, there's no way he'd be the imam in my family that I'd hope my future husband would be.

But you'll never know. You'll just never know.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:42

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Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

That's what they say. But anyone who has loved and lost would tell you that its a bitch. Seriously.

I don't know what's up with him. I don't even know if I love him. But from how the tears fell freely when he left that day, maybe I do have feelings for him. Just a tiny bit. But I never knew for sure how he feels about me. He's never admitted to any feelings at all. He just say he misses me most of the time. But why? Friends miss each other all the time too. How's that different?

Maybe its not different. Maybe its the same. Maybe we ARE friends. Its just that I don't want to know it and believe that we are. Man, this is getting super hard. But I really hope I get the answer soon because I can't keep straddling on both of them at the same time.

So let's say you're in love with somebody but at the same time another person is in love with you. Is it better to be with someone who loves you or whom you love? I answered this one before and being the so-called romantic at heart, I chose the one I love. And I paid for it in the end.

So now what? Should I stick to the one who loves me instead? Should I try my darndest to forget the person I love to give a chance to the person who loves me? Because I know, since he loves me, that he'll stick by me and go through things with me and maybe, I might just fall in love with him.

Argh. You just never know. And once you do. Its too bloody late.

But this guy. I think I do love him. He's caring, patient, makes me laugh with a million and one jokes but I feel like he's hiding something from me. I feel like he's holding back and its irritating. Sometimes I feel like its another girl but then he does something else and I go, He's too decent to do this to me if he does have another girl.

Sometimes it feels like the old him is back. The joking, smiley, take all my jokes with a pinch of salt him and he's just calling out to me, my heart and my mind, to love him, like him, fall for him all over again and just ask that one question that could make or break everything and stop it once and for all if he doesn't want the same things as me.

But I don't have the guts to.

I miss everything about him. The way his lips curl up when he smiles. The way he squints his eyes when he's smiling and looking at me. The way he eats deliberately slow and stops along the way because I'm a super slow eater. The way his perfume fills me up when I sit behind him on the bike. The way he brakes super hard, leaving me to lunge forward and his super sexy laughter when he says he did that intentionally, just to wake me up. The way I have to put my chin on his shoulder when he talks to me on the bike.

I don't know. I don't know.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 11:02

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Cause I fear
There is nothing left to say
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

And I've
Done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
I'm ashamed of myself
I don't know how I got so tangled

Its come this far. So many things have happened since the last post that I dunno how to update it anymore.

First up, SP was not a nightmare as I've imagined. There were some good people. And although they weren't as mad and crazy as the people on the island, it still was an ok kind of place. But I was too cramped and it was too much of a corporate place for me.

Next, my sister's wedding. It was a total blast and it was great fun to have Hus fly over to share the 'maid of honour' duties as well. So now she knows what a Malay wedding looks like. Finally in touch with her Malay roots after being in a western environment for too damn long. Hahah.

I've got accepted to CPIT which is in ChristChch, New Zealand BUT further complications with the visa dept and immigration failed to clear me so I;m still stuck here. Because I was too late for school anyway, they said they'd defer me to Feb 09. Woohoo! That rocks.

My colleage from SP passed away and I got to find out that he was a brother of my sec sch mate. Really sad becuase he was an angel of a man with the most craziest lashes I have ever seen in my life. I mean really, if I thought Zaini's lashes were a killer, Abg Faizal's was phew! But he's gone. And I had a really tough week trying to cope with it because he was a really nice man who helped me a lot.

Furthermore, Eve my friend was trying to set me up with him because he's nice and single and good-looking so we had that whole 'catching of the eyes and smiling' kind of thing going on. It was sweet but now I'll never know.

My sister might be pregnant. Its only been 2 mths since the wedding but its a sweet surprise. IF its true. I'm not sure yet. But I'm thrilled!

Okay what else. Boy trouble. As usual. Hahahahahah. One night I tried to name all the guys I've been in contact with, been on dates with, ever kissed, that kinda thing. I got up to about 14. Serious shit. Haiz. I guess I am slut of the year. But we'll count Nisa's list and we'll decide from there.

Toodles!

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 12:26

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Mood:  cheeky

I am well aware of how long I bloody procrastinated on updating this thing. The last entry I posted up was me contemplating my last day of work on the island and looky here, I'm so over that stage. I think its almost a month at the new office and its getting bearable. For now.

Thanks to my ever crazy mates over there, we sort of formed an alliance against the outside world when we were cooped up in the training room for 2 weeks for me and 4 weeks for them. So they finished their second test and ready to face the world as counter staff. I wish them well and can only count my lucky stars for being chosen to do correspondence instead. What a life!

The bad thing about this place is, it doesnt pay you overtime so only the sickest and craziest people would stay after hours and even then, they'll be rushing you to get a move on and leave, rather than encouraging you to take your time and hang out for awhile. I guess that's what I miss about the bloody island. You don't need to make plans after work because you just naturally meet up with the rest of the crazy peeps still hanging around and at the end of the day, actually have lotsa fun.

I can reach home, IF I take my own sweet time to walk from Bedok station and IF I leave the office straight after work, at 6.45 tops. Really. And what do I do at home then? Nothing. Sometimes I really dread getting home so early, knowing the brats are still around that I drag my feet and purposely walk a little bit slower. Even so, I'll reach home at 7 feeling pathetically useless. AND not to mention lifeless lah. Haiz. I so hung up my 'social butterfly' wings when I stepped out of there.

Even so, I managed to squeeze in some club time with the Yas one Weds night because she's such a cheapo that she can only afford to go in during Ladies' Nite, where the cover charge and drinks are free free free. Seeing that we both had to work early the next day, the plan was NOT to dance and just sit down and people watch instead. But the music got to us and Yas was barely on her stool although I managed to warn her that if we started, we'll only reach home at 2 instead of the planned midnight escape.

So we behaved ourselves, but we DID have the hots for one of the waiters who smelled absolutely delicious. There's something about that guy's perfume or cologne or whatever he sprayed on his body that got me and Yas all riled up and turned on. No kidding and I don't know if it was just us or if he had the effect on other girls as well but everytime he as much as walks pass, we catch a whiff of his scent and go tingly all over. Because of that, we both started wondering how great it would be like to be hugged by him. Ok, we're not stoned or whatever ok, that's why we just wondered and not literally just throw our hands around him. Although Yas would have, if she had a few more in her system.

Anyway, he wasn't what I would classify as cute or handsome or warrant a second look if he walked past me on the streets but because of the great smell and his devil-may-care attitude, he's just really adorable lah. Yas begged me to go again the next week and I was extremely tempted to but you know girl, you're the one who's attached so you should know what you shouldn't be doing eh. Clear the path...for me! Hahahah

My colleagues at work has the impression that Jrom's my bf. Why? Because I let slip that he's picking me up after my first day at work so they immediately jumped to the conclusion. Who am I to stop them? Anyway, I just played along...so apparently we've been together for 6 months and he's such an absolute bully because he treats me like dirt and I still so-called 'love' him. Hahah. Its really funny how you're stringing people along with all these nonsense but a few weeks later and they still ask about him and I answer the best I know how, I'm beginning to live in this lie as well. Crazy as it is. But whatever that's happening provides enough fodder for them so what can I say?

That is...until...J got all melodramatic on me and said how he's going through some horrible crisis in his life and that he really doesn't want to bother me right now, not with his problems. I got pissed off because how do you expect me to go away and understand you when you're barely telling me anything about your problems? I don't know but things got pretty heated up until I said 'maybe you should figure things out for yourself first until you decide that you can handle me again' and he just went all silent.

NOW is the scary part. Because I was not premenstrual nor was I having any overdose of some kind of hormone, there is absolutely NO reason whatsoever that could explain the gut-wrenching disappointment I felt after that last message to him. I just sat down, felt really awful and anxious and then all of a sudden, tears started to flow. I wiped them away incredulously, thinking to myself..."if he's nothing to me, then why the hell am I fucking crying???"

So now I know. It runs way deeper than that. I can't explain it. Is it because I was vulnerable, being so-called lonely and lost and somehow needy, dependant on that one person who paid even an ounce of attention to me? I don't know. I'm not desperate, I still go out with other people although they don't know about each other and yet, when push comes to shove, I feel enough to actually be hurt by his callous actions. Crazy, insane, madness...but absolutely true.

I know my mother is the first person who's gonna freak out although she does know everytime I'm out with him. My grandma, I dont know. She has something against big people I think. And she doesnt even know about the tatts yet. But at least he's not dark-skinned. My sisters think I'm in some kind of transitional phase and wouldnt bet their money on how long I'd last right now.

Speaking of which, they actually wondered how long I'd stay single and on my own after the big breakup. Their bet? Two weeks. That means that I'd have another guy in 2 weeks tops. Which wasnt true in a way because I wasn't attached and am still not but I did start going out quite recently after that so...I guess they know me best.

I learnt a lot of things from J. One thing was that just because somebody's always smiling, doesnt necessarily mean they're really happy. And another one that's most important is just because he has a car, doesn't mean he's rich. Because he is actully flat out broke and when he told me his problems finally, sitting on a bench that night and looking so damn sad and helpless, there's nothing else for you to do but to throw your arms around him and wish him well. In my heart, I know I'm too shallow to stick by him but then I somehow want to help him, in any way I can. What does THAT mean really?

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 20:23

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Mood:  blue

I'm sick of playing hide and seek with the sun today. It was a scorching hot day and then it turned cloudy. So I took the clothes in. And then it was gloriously sunny again for an hour so I thought, hey...I just wasted an hour of sun, so I took out the clothes again. I settled down to read the Sat papers when it started raining heavily...making me run over to the kitchen and grabbing the almost crispily dry laundry in. Now, after half an hour of grey, miserable rain, its out again. All merry and chirpy and whatever because I am so sick already I can barely gather the strength to take the clothes out again. So what if they don't get dry, blame it on the erratic weather lah, not me.

I'm home alone on a Saturday. Well, not exactly alone because my granny is around. Although she doesnt make much of a difference because she just minds her own business most of the time. The 3rd sis went Geylang with mother and because it clashed with my hair-washing schedule (I'd hate to go out and ruin my perfectly washed hair) I opted to stay at home instead, getting teary eyed over Mandarin soaps and excited over kiddy cartoons and games.

On Christmas Day this year, two guys said I Love You to me. Is it just me or has the world changed? Previously its us pathetic girls going 'oh my god i love you' and guys will respond by going...err ok? and we'll go into a sulking frenzy and that's that. Its the way of life. That's the reason behind so many gender inequality books where girls cant read maps and guys dont bloody ask for directions. Its the way the world goes. Or maybe it WAS how it went and now its the total opposite.

How can you say I LOVE YOU and mean it when you barely know each other? How can you even begin to utter those three despicable words without sharing something pure, sweet, out-of-the-mind feeling such as love? Am I being such a jaded bitch that I cant feel loved anymore or am I being cynical towards every guy that says the dreadful phrase to me?

Don't get me wrong, I've loved once before. And no matter how many times he broke my heart, I still think that the love between us WAS the best it could ever be. There was love, there was a thousand magical things and more. It worked out the way it was supposed to and even though I highly doubt we'll act all chummy when we see each other outside, especially with our new partners in tow, I can safely say that we had some pretty hilarious memories and he made me laugh. How can you ever hold a grudge or hate someone who made you laugh the wildest laugh ever?

Am I getting too mushy? I guess so. I'm feeling all these pent-up hormones and getting teary eyed at a mandarin soap opera is definitely and indication of higher powers at work here. Its not possible that I get so emotional so easily. So then I counted back and BINGO! Its the end of the month, I'm getting my PMS symptoms and I so hate it. Especially when I'm expecting to bawl my eyes out come my last day of work. I want to take pictures of every corner I've laid my foot on, so that i'd remember it by heart. The smoker's corner in between the two offices, the smoker's corner near the clubhouse, the pantry, the library i barely stepped foot into, my comfy cubicle, the whole bloody office lah ok. I'm gonna miss it heaps.

Yesterday as I was lying in bed and contemplating fate, I started crying. (See a pattern here? Damn hormones) I was imagining myself making rounds across the office taking pictures and saying my goodbyes. Mentally, I prepared myself to what i'm going to say to each individual.

Starting from my sales team, WL, Mel and Sara...well, we barely know each other but I've talked to Mel and she seems pretty ok to me. Purpur is also a newbie but she's just a really sweet girl. Znur...haiz...where do i relate all my slutty and scandalous things to when i leave? oh wait, if i leave, there are no scandals anymore because my scandals all happen there! Damn. Zlin is a force to be reckoned with. I have no idea what to say to her but I am immensely grateful for her friendship all these while. Caro...she's leaving too and I respect her with all my heart. She's endured and covered up for a lot of my nonsense so far.

Van...is just the worst and best boss ever. Such an idiot. Then we go over to the csu side. Damn, don't get me started. I'm gonna have to hug that bloody Aud until her skinny bones fall off. Hahha. I'll miss her like crazy. YC and Dan is ok2 lah. Uncle, will need to hug him too because he's so misunderstood and I doubt anybody would be nice enough to just talk to him about his family like I so often do. He promised to find me a boyfie as well, i guess that's not happening. The last one is Kel. What do I say to him that's not yet said? Well, a lot. Does he need to know that I trust him with my life? No. Does he need to know that I wished for something more? No. Does he need to know that because he pampered me so much, I'm afraid there's no other guy that can match up to him? No. He doesnt need to know anything and I'm not telling him anything because I'm going away, so let my words go away with me. But thinking about it made my heart ache and squeezed alot more tears out of my eyes which are already too tired to cry anymore. I'll miss him the most. Because in my heart of hearts, I realise maybe I love him the most.

Who else? Maybe the SQ gang. I'll make one last round at Jo and Json and the weird QC. Speaking of Jo, I saw the ad for his new show called metafora. I can barely stop laughing, maybe because I know him personally and how he's totally crazy and seeing him like that...well...its just entertaining. I must say, he can really act though. I'm looking forward to his debut on New Years, 8.30pm, Suria. Please support my friend Jo too! Hahah.

You cant talk about Jo and not talk about Fara. She and me go way, way back and we knew each other since we were 13, only to get closer a year later and the rest, as they say, is history. I had a rude shock when I saw that the Mktg girl called Fara would actually be the same Fara I knew and lost touch years ago. We caught up with each other, asking about so many things that happened in the year we got separated and then we realise that our lives are tangled enough as it is. Her ex-bf is in the same camp as my then-bf and somehow they got connected again. Damn weird.

Then its over to Yas. God, i dont know what i'm going to do without her. This is so heartbreaking. We totally understood each other and shared so many laughs that I can tell I'll miss her the most of all. She taught me to be myself and not follow other people's perception of you. She taught me to heck care towards the world and do whatever you feel like doing all the time. She taught me to embrace my hidden slut and let me do whatever I want. Maybe because of her, i'm going out of control right now but really, she makes me laugh out of nothing remotely funny. I go to places I'll never set foot into if not because of her and she introduced me to the craziest people I've ever known, just like her, just like the crazy bitch that is Yas.

I'm going to miss all these people and come Friday, I'm going to miss the island and all its glory. The 'wear a nametag and everyone smiles at you' kind of attitude, the 'discounts everywhere on this island' kind of happiness and the peace and tranquility of working in a place so secluded and out of the way of the maddening CBD crowd that its all good. I'll miss the smell of the staff buses in the morning, and the scorching sun. I'll miss the line buses and the friendly abg drivers going about with their cheeky smiles. I'll miss the deserted beaches when its not holiday season and how Sentosa is actually a nice place, without all those irritating tourists. I'll miss everything about it because it was my life for one and a half years. I'll miss the staff waving at you and people calling your name when you walk aorund the island. I'll miss the perks of being involved in such huge events and treated like royalty. But most of all, I'll miss you.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:30

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Mood:  lazy

Spending the whole day in the office with absolutely nobody around and nothing to do is definitely irritating. All's out for some brainstorming meeting cum whatever the hell thingy, leaving us unimportant people out of it. So I managed to entertain myself by talking to Yas at lunch and also chatting with her in MSN the whole way. Turns out, we don't just share the same horoscope, we share the same thinking and also sense of humour that it cracks both of us up so horrifically that we end up falling over each other laughing every time.

Its 6pm and technically I can go off now but its been some time since I've taken that bus out. I've been waiting for Yas to finish and she's been taking longer and longer to finish her work lately. Yesterday itself we were supposed to go shopping but cancelled because her bf decided to tag along. Instead, we chilled at Vivo till I couldnt take it anymore and left. Before we left the office, Kel came over to have a chat and tsked tsked at how burnt I was from the tanning session we had last Sat.

The girls just couldn't get enough of the sun and the weather really was simply fabulous so we said heck care to protection and proceeded to bake. Now, however, with our skin red and peeling and itchy and absolutely freaking ugly, I can tell we're regretting it already. Its been some time since I tanned till I burnt. Hell, its been a long time since I tanned at all and I was happy to have the girls around me that day.

We had Kel around that day too because he was handling an event around the area. I asked him for free SOS tickets and got it delivered practically to my doorstep. Or more accurately our beach mat. I asked him for a ride out and he agreed, all the while calling me 'my dear' in his messages that I get a rosy glow and break out into a sheepish grin whenever I open my hp inbox. Yes, its really that bad. So bad that Ama thinks I'm 'smitten' by him and that I wouldn't admit it no matter what.

She's true about one thing, I won't admit that I'm supposedly smitten by him because I don't think I truly am. Its just that to have someone call you 'dear' after months of not having anyone dote on you and your needs, its just a welcome breath of fresh air. So what if he's a colleague and our relationship's so wrong in so many levels? So what? I'm beginning to think that indeed I am smiten by him and oh God, I'm in deep trouble.

Mom asked about him last weekend and gave me a thorough dressing down regarding how I'm not supposed to be spending so much time with him. I kept trying to reassure her that nothing is happening and all she could say was...If nothing was happening, if there's nothing going on between you two then why spend so much time together? Why go here and there with him, is there no one else? What Mom...d'you really want me to sit around and mope over my idiot of an ex-bf or would you rather me be happy being with him and being made happy by him?

I know, I know...there's no way that he's gonna remove his big-ass tatts. There's no way he's gonna sacrifice so much for me and the almost 14 years between us, although age is just a number and I've never felt any age gap between him and me, he's accomplished so much more, he's done so much more than I can ever dream of. He's already in a very good place in his life and I don't want to be the one crashing and burning all of it down, although I highly doubt he'd EVER do all that for me.

Mom was more keen on Jrome just because his dad converted to Islam before he passed away. But she doesnt get it. His DAD converted but not him nor his other family members so why would Jrome be a better alternative. They're both essentially the same, they're both still wrong for me. Ok maybe Jrome doesn't have that much of an age gap but...but...Kel's nice. So nice, too nice, damn bloody nice and sod it about guys having to be handsome and rich and having the 5Cs is all there is to it because it isn't. Its all about being sincere and funny and most importantly, nice. That's all. Just that.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:30

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The details of events have all been sorted out and the hectic anxiety of before has been smoothened. Caro's absence is now beginning to be a road to freedom compared to the stress it brought us just a few days ago. Now that everything's settled, we can all sit back and relax while the csu's get started on one of the most packed weeks of the year with a total of 21 events happening and almost 10 on Sat alone.

So guess when Ama wants to go tanning? Yerp, tomorrow, when she already knows its gonna be jam-packed. She says since I work here, I should know the quietest spots around. Well heck, I do. But the problem lies in the fact that all the beaches have events, even the most ulu-est ones. I guess working here has its perks, other than smuggling your friends in for free and that is...having first-hand knowledge of everywhere.

Last Weds when the keparauntas had a girls night out at Sentosa, Dan spotted me from a mile away, although he was in a van, took the loudhailer and yelled, "Ehh Sit..where you going?" so loud that everyone looked at him and thus stared back at one embarrassed me. Asking him to shut up countless of times didn't help so I went up to his van and talked to him. He asked if I was waiting for Kel and I said no...Kel got exam and then asked where we were all going then he had to go. Ama thought he was 'the one who came to your house that day' and she mas so wrong.

But that got me thinking. If I were to go tanning this Sat with everyone working and on duty with so many events, then everyone would see me. ANd there's a high possibility that I gotta come back to the office to work too and that would be disastrous. Urgh.

This next Thursday we might all be going to TA to try their fine dining menu. I hope its good and since its so cheap according to Aud, we should all just give it a try. Yesterday she made me so damn embarrassed when she shouted 'you're both still talking? you like each other is it? you talk so long, i went out for an hour plus and you both still here, like each other then just say lah' and both of us had to turn around and shush her up because I swear her voice can be heard from miles away. Damn.

*****

I don't know. Blame it on the hectic work schedules, blame it on the weatherman even because since Kel came back, we didn't get much time to talk. He did hang around the cubicle, relating his experiences to us, talking a dime a dozen and convincing Zlin that he indeed went there for a study trip when in actual fact he went there to help out in an event. Until yesterday, when I got stuck scanning more and more receipts for stupid finance department and he came and sat beside me.

Exactly one week ago, he was having the time of his life in a place where beer is cheaper than water, where you can do anything and everything, where you get to learn a lot of different things and can get excited and amazed like little kids all over again. A holiday. The last time I had one was only 6 months ago and yet I'm itching to go somewhere again. Somewhere warm and tan-inducing. Somewhere tropical and exotic. Haiz.

At lunch, Yas was saying how its near to impossible to believe that of all people, we got close and friendly. We means Kel and me and I said isn't that good? Nobody would ever suspect anything because its totally mind-boggling. Then she said 'orang buta pun boleh nampak lah' and I heaved a sigh of anxiety. I don't care. Let people talk. Because the only words left unspoken are those between us.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 12:42

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Mood:  down

Feels like you took my sun with you. The past few days have been a dreary cloud of boredom. Nobody to tease me on msn, nobody to pinch food from my mini snack corner, nobody to walk in and out of our cubicle pretending to be on a super important task and then declaring 'i'm bored lah' when asked what he's doing there, nobody to call me asking for other people's number like I'm his PA, nobody to drive us out on lunch missions and most importantly, nobody to send me home.

Its only been two days and even though I keep telling myself that I don't rely on you for entertainment, or anything for that matter, I keep having to swallow my words when I catch myself staring at your empty seat and saying 'no wonder its so quiet around here' and then I have to slap myself silly. I DO NOT depend on you for anything ok. Now that THAT's out of the way, let me just say that I kind-of-a-little-teensy-weensy-bit miss you. And I don't know why.

The first day was a Thursday, meeting day, and we were so sleepy that even the zlin was dreading it. She said we're all in trouble because you wouldnt be there to keep us all awake with your nonsense comments. But it went well.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:26

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Mood:  mischievious

Its always been there. The hurt and the pain. I'd like to think I'm in love but its so obviously untrue. I'd like to believe we're going somewhere but now I know its infinitely just you. I'd like to breathe the air of hope and happiness but I feel like I'm not getting enough. Enough proof to say that we're almost there. Enough facts to point in the right direction and to stay there.

I have nothing to say. Except for the little detail of not going where I think you are. I'd say you treat me with the utmost respect because I've been as helpful to you as I can ever be. When that changed however, I don't quite know. Some can't even remember how you were before and yet, there are more who will never ever forget. Why do they hate you so? I have no idea but I know I hated you before. And what's left of that now?

I can't deny the many good things when its with you. Without a second thought, to just drive me anywhere in the world. To drop me off home when you need to make a whole big U turn out of the way, almost travelling the whole of S'pore as you do so without me making the slightest request. To drive me out during lunch, to the first roundabout, to the main island, to the wholesale shop, to home. How can I not be pampered otherwise?

The other day, when you were driving and there were us three gals...Me, Aud and Lita plus Ben, Lita mentioned something to Ben about all his three 'sayangs' being in the car with him and to contain his flirting. You said 'Ben, please lah. How can you do that? Unlike me...I only have one love inside this car' and everyone fell quiet. Now...would that be me?

I'd give you anything, I'd bake a year's supply of pineapple tarts, I'd buy bucketloads of pistachios, I'd make tonnes of choc chip cookies, I'd run across the whole office to get you someone's phone number, I'd beg the Islander girls to get you a staff t-shirt, I'd do anything if only you'd realise that all this is not just me being NICE. Its not just me reciprocating your kindness towards me all these while. Its not just me. But its actually me and nothing else.

Sometimes you say things that make me go weak inside. And then there are times you just pretend not to notice anything. Sometimes you act like the bestest friend/guy/colleague/idiot around and other times, I'm just myself. But as you say, everything still stands between us. Everything involving me still stands and always will. And for that, I'm happy.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:19

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Mood:  cheeky

What kind of a band name is Jimmy Eat World anyway? I don't know either but their songs are surprisingly really nice. The few which I plonked into my Nano while at Invercargill were really great which seems to tell me one thing...Hus' taste in music is not as crazy as I thought. What with the irritating song she kept singing over and over again while driving. Haiz. I miss that girl. But is it enough to uproot my whole life and move there? Only God can tell...

Haven't been updating this blog site because I've been a very busy woman. Mostly because of Raya and also the fact that I can't open this site from home. That really sucks by the way...to not be able to update at home. I have no idea what kind of firewall my comp is currently having to restrict blogs, certain important sites as well as all kinds of EMAIL! Stupid or what? What kind of internet access would that be without the use of email? Augh.

Yesterday had a great sleep at home. That's the problem with me. People need the weekends to take a rest from their hectic weekdays while I need the weekdays to sleep in and regenerate for my hectic weekends. NOT that all my weekends are hectic though but the last one surely was.

I was in the office at 7.30pm on Friday night. Its a surprise for me, the one who zooms out of the office, especially on Fridays, but I had a date and it was an exciting one. Aud asked us out to Movida and I agreed. The day was full of festivities with KF's birthday ensuring us to be on a constant high and a super delish lunch before that so I had to wait for her and Lita to finish their event that night, which meant watching the SOS show for the umpteenth time with Ben.

Then we were off. KF didn't tell us where we were going but we ended up in Frasers Plc, hanging out till 2am and all of us suitably elated and stuffed with laughter. He drove us all home and I managed to lie down on my bed and stretch my legs before Mom came round waking us all up for Kak's flight to USA. I wanted to say no. I wanted to go back to sleep but its for my dear sister so I trudged on, ate some breakfast and slapped a smile on my face.

We reached home a little past 6am and everyone just fell into bed without a second thought. I didn't wake up until 10am when I rushed to make my bed, clean the house, top up the kuihs, wash my hair, shower and then change into my baju kurung. While waiting for them to come, I actually fell asleep again and although only the 3 dudes came, apart from the TMS guys, I was really grateful they made an effort to come over in the first place.

I really miss the TMS guys and when I saw Fina, thinking about all the fun we used to have as well as the reason why we broke contact in the first place makes me want to cry. I kind of miss her and Meen and Muaz who's so damn dashing now. Shazrul and Zaini's just the same old though. I miss Nabil and Alip. I really wished they were there and I can finally tell Nabil I'm single...after his pestering over the last few Rayas to bloody break up already.

Jrome and Ben came over first while KF arrived a few minutes later. Had to move the TMS ppl over to make space for the dudes to eat. And they can really eat. KF was saving space for his dinner with his mom so I excused him for eating just a little bit. Plus he mentioned before he doesnt like lontong and Mak cooked soto ayam that day. Riiight...But she scored high points when she brought out the paru goreng and which he polished off a whole plate of. Total carnivore.

And then...nenek comes out and says they should eat more. But when he was gone, mom was telling her about the nice things he's done like driving me to get nek's mangga jeruk at Jln Besar during lunch time...TWICE and she was pretty impressed. "Dia yang mana? Yang duduk hujung ni eh? Ohh, saya ingat dia Melayu. Lawa budak tu" FUH!!!! Nenek has spoken and its something positive. So how now? Hahah.

******

I miss you. Sometimes I wish nothing of this was around to distract me. Sometimes I wish the people around us would just stop talking and being so bloody busy body regarding everything. Sometimes I wish this harmless flirting sessions we always have would lead to something we both want but we can't and neither of us would and with the tension surrounding us right now, its just best and wise that we do nothing about it at all. Maybe I'll treasure the Tuesday night rides home, the occasional choc and cheese muffins and waffles with choc sauce, the free movie tickets, the random hang-out sessions and the endless sending me home after these late night sessions one day and realise how much you've pampered me. I guess it pays to be nice. I just hope behind all that niceties, you still see me.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:26

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Mood:  special

I just realized its been eons since I wrote in here what with Multiply keeping me so damn busy. But essentially, I can only be brutally honest with myself right here because well, even if anybody DID read this and know that its me, I wouldn't know about it and I wouldn't really want to care either.

Reading the last post, I reminisced that day and how it ended up. Ben and Kel called me up once they've showered and changed and picked me up at Vivo, saying they had to go somewhere. We stopped at a HDB flat and they walked up and into the flat without me knowing what the hell they were doing and even when I refused to budge, Kel just grabbed my arm and urged me forward.

Idiotic. But it turned out to be dear Ane's house and he was celebrating his birthday. I swear I could see the eyes of the other two Ops guys who was there pop out when I stepped in after Kel but they said nothing and Ane was too gracious a host plus loves Kel too much to mention anything.

Just as I was settled in front of the TV, watching Hikmah and explaining the story to the two of them, Ane's wife came over and asked Kel why the girl he brought back during Deepavali was another one and now is a different girl i.e. me. What do you say to that? I wondered who was the girl from Deepavali and thought maybe it was Jean-Viere when he answered, "must change girl mah, if the same damn sian lor"

After that, they changed their mind about going to eat some more and he drove me home, saying that he knew the area well and he worked around there before. Right.

The next few days the three of us went out for a movie which was so complicated, none of us got it. But it was a good time.

Yesterday, I picked up the dried roses which was initially red and turned a gothic dark purplish black. I got three and pasted it on my board when he said that he was the one who took it back for the office. I asked, why not give it to me? Why give the whole centrepiece to them? To which he answered, Because I don't want people to talk.

And people have been talking.

The question came as a surprise because even if we were seen talking, it was just that, talking. We did nothing else. Maybe the manner in which we were talking raised concerns but I seriously do not care if people talk. Just WHO the people are, that's more of my concern.

Caro asked and said she can't remember who asked her that. I have an inkling that its the Abg but I cant be too sure. If so, it doesn't matter because he knows both of us and he might be curious but truly harmless. If its the boss or someone else like maybe someone from Jean-Viere's department then I'd be cautious.

Even now, we don't hang as much and I steered well clear of the common area or just hang out there with Ben and Jrome. We still talk, but maybe because of it being the fasting month and me needing to be back early, we couldnt go out like we used to, except for that crazy trip to Geylang. I don't know. Some days he can say things that are so insensitive it makes me want to bite his head off and other times, he talk with such politeness that you cant help but to shut up and listen in awe.

Its a contradiction. But whatever it is, I'm not about to switch religions nor is he willing to ever admit anything so heck, if people are scared of me moving on with someone like him then I'd just like to say, hello? blind ah? him...and me...its as impossible as conjoining night and day. Maybe we flirt abit too much and maybe the comfort level is there because we worked at it and to say that he's just a colleague is way overdoing it because he's more, he's a great friend.

But to imply that we're together, that's just crazy.

Like that day when we were riding to Geylang and Yas said something like, I think these two guys are fighting for you and I shook my head with disbelief. Yas said it was just a feeling because Kel kept putting Ben down in whatever he said and all I could answer Yas was, They're both too wrong for me. One's too old, the other two young and both are like...y'know. She accused me of being racist and to humour herself, she asked, if I were to choose, in a best man wins situation, who would it be?

I thought long and hard. Its a crazy thought, that's why the answer didn't come naturally. But Yas said, imagine!!!! Choose one!!!! And I said,

The one with the car of course ;p

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 12:28

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Mood:  mischievious

Because it was a sad, depressing, boring start to the week, I took to sitting at the common area and chatting with Ben. He really is pretty funny and because he's been here for three years and quite fluent in Malay (what with the mats from Event Ops he has to hang out with), we slowly became more and more comfortable with each other as I started to kick off my shoes and sit cross-legged on the chair, surfing the net for entertainers as Ben's research for the countdown party.

Naturally, Kel who's sitting a few metres away could hear and see us chatting wonderfully along and he came over once in awhile just to see what's going on. Ben asked everyone out to the movies on Wednesday and I offered to check the listings on the computer beside him.

Kel: How can I not go when my darling ask me right?

And then he proceeded to hug me. Ben fell over himself laughing and he insisted I must sit beside him. Kel protested, saying he wants to steal me away first. I compromised, saying this is exactly how we should sit, with me in the middle of the two. Hahah. Clowns, the both of them.

I came back to my seat, aware of the cool, stressed tension radiating between Caro and Zlin. I don’t understand Zlin, how can you be so demanding on your birthday? Ok, maybe I promised abit too much and I shouldn’t have been THAT late but still, her behaviour towards Yas' sick granny is just, well...impossible. I don't know lah, I sincerely hope she had fun though and the low digs towards me and Yas all the way through today was totally uncalled for but definitely bearable. Oh wells.

Sitting here alone, not bearing to go home because Ahmad just let me down (huh, story of my life), Kel came over and asked what I was doing alone. Took a lot of guts not to spill everything when he sounded genuinely concerned when I couldn’t answer him but I held on, shook my head and agreed on his offer to go back to the common area where he and Ben could 'entertain' me.

Ben finished his project while I keep distracting him then they got changed to go jogging. While they were waiting for Lvin, Kel looked over and asked if I was waiting for them to finish. I asked, "Why? For what?" and he said, "Well, you got nowhere to go what, you said so yourself" "So if I wait for you then where can we go?" "Anywhere you want"

As I sit here, waiting for Yas to finish printing her signages and the soft raindrops can still be heard outside, I struggle inwardly at whether I should wait or not. I urged Yas to finish soon so we could go but at the same time, I told her I was in no rush because...well, just because I wonder what the hell would happen if I DID wait.

She said I was crazy because its really bonkers how I would go to such lengths for this nonsense that's not even happening and then she wondered why the hell Kel would entertain my nonsense and actually offered the dinner invite if he meant nothing. Maybe it was pity because I really looked sad and depressed at having no plans after work and he was just helping a lonely girl? Maybe. But maybe its something else.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 17:09

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Mood:  hungry

Ama's positive I've gone totally bonkers. She kept asking me what was I thinking. The truth? I wasn't. It just happened. It almost happened and it hopefully won't ever happen again. The moment of truth came when I was in the lorry, hitching a ride back to the office from Naff. He didn't say a word and the girl beside him didn't either. I figured if I kept my mouth shut about them, they'd pretend they never saw us. And I was right.

When I reached the office, Dan was there with Q. They'd gone missing for an hour already and they didn't expect to see us there. I don't know what they were doing but from the looks of it, the same rules applied. Nothing was seen, nothing was said, nothing was happening. The only difference was Dan and Naff were married...with kids. And the problem with people working on this island was, everybody cares what the latest gossip was. But nobody bothers to do anything about it.

Guys working here since forever seems to be stuck in the age they came in. Naff looks like he's in his mid-twenties. Dan ACTS like he's a swinging single and Kel...well, Kel's just a mystery. To everyone. And for people who knew him to compare notes with the people who barely does, he's a contradiction. I don't know him. I cant even begin to decipher him because he says things that are so different, you wonder which is the real him. I don't know and I don't care.

Talking to Ama was good because she shot me back to reality. My sisters just think I'm enjoying this 'scandalous office bitch' title and my colleagues are shocked but surprisingly happy for me. But Ama, dear Ama...said it to my face like everyone else should have and then she shuts up, making me decide and fight my own battles. Maybe that's why I really love this bitch. Because she says it frank and honest and with nobody's best interests at heart.

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe it is as innocent as it looks or maybe its just that one night and nothing else. As Ama says, maybe it was my boobs or maybe it was his intoxication or maybe it was both of us thinking, 'oh what the fuck' at the same time but we're both consenting adults looking for nothing out of this but sheer fun and nothing else. Its not possible for me to love him, its not possible for a future together and its not possible for me to mean something more to him than just a nice colleague and friend so let me just convince myself of all these and go to work with a smile.

At least I know there's one person in this world who appreciates it.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 20:41

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Mood:  happy

My phone started ringing. I thanked God under my breath because I was desperately praying for a reason to get away from Mamat who's rubbing me up the wrong way. He might think he was being friendly but touching me at the hips while he manouver me through the crowd was not my idea of being friendly. I had enough of pretending to not know how to dance, leading him to force me to move, because I don't trust him enough.

The crowd was delinquent, the music just suck, the atmosphere was nonsensical and the sand in my shoes were irritating the hell out of me. When my phone rang, I just turned and walked away from Mamat without an explanation. It was him and I could have weeped with gratitude. He found me amidst the mess and looked irritated when I said I went out of the HQ room with Joe and Mamat. He put his arm around me, squeezed my shoulders, said its okay and walked me back to look for them. I swear Mamat's eyes almost popped out when he saw me walk back with his supervisor. He avoided my eyes after that.

******

The door clicked shut and there we were sitting side by side, just us in the room. He was on a chair and me, on a stool beside him. His arm around my shoulders, my body twisted away, my face towards the door, our heart beating in sync with the bass pulsating the windows. I turned, took a sip of water from the bottle behind me and settled down again. He asked if I was tired. I said no, I was just sleepy. He said I didn't look sleepy at all.

Somehow, while we were talking, he yelled at me and I shook my head. Convinced that he was back to his old self, I stood up, took the bottle with me and crossed the room to the couch. I folded my legs in and leaned back on the velvety black cushion. He asked why was I so far from him and I told him I couldn't stand it when he yells for no reason.

I did NOT shout at you! You just did lor. I did not lah. Whatever okay.

He stood, sat next to me at the couch and leaned in.

Okay lah I did. I'm sorry ok. I'm SORRRYYYY.....

It was unexpected and I was staring at him with wide-eyed surprise. He never apologised for doing something stupid before. He was harsh, evil, rude, temperamental and ultimately egoistic. So for him to pinch my chin, tilt my head up to meet his brown eyes and sincerely apologise came as a shock to me. He must be more knocked up drunk than I expect but there was something there that I've never seen before. I've never seen him being submissive and I was stunned, thinking hard on what to do next.

He leaned closer, I didn't know what to do. I was shaking, I was thinking with a million thoughts running through my mind. I had to decide and I didn't have much time. So I steadied my voice and asked, 'Are you okay?'

That did it for him and he straightened up, said he was okay and definitely not drunk. I asked him to count the fingers I held up and he was doing well guessing right for most of them until he slipped up on the last one and we fell over each other laughing. I suddenly started yawning again and put my head back against the cushion. He did the same and the same scene was replayed earlier.

Only this time, the only thing that stopped us was the door being thrown open and the Ops team came spilling inside. Before we could straighten up, everyone was in and saw us so I tried to maintain an innocent face and started laughing. Mamat stared, looked away and didn't talk. Jrome shook his head, laughed and said I was lucky because he just saved me from a monster and something bad from happening. I pretended not to know what he was talking about.

Kel looked at me, smiled and said, 'Gooseberry, spoil siah'

Yesterday, I was wondering to find out what COULD have happened. But today, I silently thanked Jrome for his 'imperfect' timing because I've decided, I'd rather not know.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:57

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Mood:  amorous

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants

And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

Jo came in today to settle her stuff for awhile and to return the buggy key she accidentally brought home. I'm so going to miss her bubbly laughter and sexy clothes. She's one of the very rare people I never see angry or irritated. She goes through her days with such calm and optimism. I love that girl.

I miss him. Its not like it used to be and I hate it. Maybe the absence is what got us going. Now that he's around forever, I'm starting to get sick. Urgh. I'm such a contradiction. Asked him what made him so very nice nowadays and he claimed it was the uniform. He asked, "Can you imagine wearing the polo T shirt, stupid pants and boots everyday" and I told him to stop talking nonsense. Guess its true when they say clothes maketh the man because nowadays he looks much younger and...refreshed? instead of being grey and drab in that shirt like I usually see him in.

I got to stop thinking about him like this because its really unhealthy. When he was sitting down at the lil green chair in our cubicle and relaxing, I took the opportunity to ask him that question and even Zlin agreed that he was much, much nicer right now towards people like us. We had to literally run from him and get out of his path before. WE sued to be very irritated whenever he'd come by and say all those lame things he say which can be quite insulting. Don't know why he changed but when he heard the question, he smiled, winked and said "Because of you darling"

This August and Sept are going to be really mad, dashing months. Even July was and damn, its now over and done with. Kakak's surgery went superbly well and having her at home and worrying about us getting home late and all feels like a reversal of roles. There's the KRUNK II party tomorrow which me and Zlin are jumping to get to. Even Yas is joining and YTong's coming by so it'll be lotsa fun. Admist the trip overseas, the engagement and the birthday party coming up in the next few weekends, I must say I'm pretty tied up and loving it! :)

But sweets, I miss you and I swear its true ;p

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 10:41

Updated: Tuesday, August 7, 2007 13:15

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Mood:  flirty

Thursdays are usually good days for me. I usually grab Urban on my way out and spend the whole journey to the office just immersed in it. I usually have fun clearing my workload so I'm free for the weekends. I usually spend a few minutes upstairs at the Admin dept just getting free stationery and feeling damn contented about it.

But this Thursday is abit different. I had to attend three meetings in a row, freezing in the Board Room. I didn't know one of the meetings involved the Ops team and I didn't know he'll be sitting in. I certainly didn't expect him to saunter in at the end of the first meeting, smile to everyone and took a seat right in front of me across the big table. He smiled, I smiled. He winked, I looked away. He saw that I was wearing my blazer and he asked if I was cold. I nodded. "Want a hug?" I looked around...nobody caught that. I whispered, "Crazy ah you?" and he laughed at my discomfort.

Throughout the meeting, we averted eyes, we met eyes, he winked, I blushed, he smiled, I looked away, he spoke up, I found myself staring, I answered questions, he looked amused. It was the toughest hour of the week and yet, after that, when he walked away without a word, without even looking back, I hated him for causing such an impact on me.

After lunch he took a walk over, nobody was around except for me. I turned away, on my way out when he grabbed my wrist, looked me in the eye and asked, "Ok?" I frowned. "Ok what?" "Ok anot?" and he increased the grip on my arm so I couldn't twist away. We both heard the same thing. Footsteps. We stared, he looked at the oncoming person behind me and dropped my arm. "Ok right?" I walked away.."Whatever lah.."

Two hours later he cornered me at the copier machine, draped his arm around my shoulders, squeezed me tight, gave that smile and all at once, I think I really am going crazy. I doubt I'm even thinking straight. Its impossible. But there's always a way.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 15:54

Updated: Friday, July 27, 2007 10:48

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As Yas would say...sitting on ugly green chairs...facing disgusting yellow walls...blowing smoke in front of our faces...talking like nobody could hear us...she turned to me and said:

Ehh...kau cakap dengan dia...whatever lah sial. WHATEVER!!!

One word, four letters, a million meanings. I don't bloody care anymore.

Kel...you're such an idiot. Save me already lah.

Have I ever said this out loud? I think you're pure hot sex. Heh.

I love hanging out at my mom's bed. I love her to bits and pieces of me.

I have no idea what to get for my sister's birthday. Or even her bf's birthday for that matter.

Damn, I am so broke.

You such a lucky bastard. How did you know she's going to be the one?

Getting married in a week...that is the shites man. Someone spell shotgun.

So fucking what if you got it? The world moves forward...not backwards idiot.

I don't care anymore, can't you see? Stop trying to bring me down lah dey.

God, help me. I kinda miss you. Come back already lah freak. Indo's not that fun what.

Not funny lah Ed. You barely know me.

Thank God I Found You

Thank you everybody. That's the end of my random moments for the day. Each sentence is for a different person in my life. If you're NOT in mine, stop thinking that its meant for you.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:29

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Mood:  surprised

Used To - Chris Daughtry 

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

******

This song...one of those that makes me tear every so often when I listen to it on my iPod. This one and Usah Lepaskan from Taufik. Its just impossible to not feel anything when you listen to songs which say what you truly needed to say in words and in rhythms and rhymes. Songs which, when you're happy, you wonder how it would be like to live inside them, to share the same meaning...and songs which give a voice to your thoughts and pains. They're my constant companion and I switch them around according to my mood for the day. Songs say what I needed to but never can say.

Let me be honest with myself. I miss him. I really do. Sometimes I swear I could smell him in the air I breathe...like yesterday in the bus to Tamp and a guy in front of me wore the same perfume as he does, I swear my heart ached with such...intensity?...that I wonder, where did all these feelings and emotions come from? I was over. I AM over and yet, its the littlest things that are pretty adamant about wrenching me back in.

Sometimes, on a bad day like when he told me his mom asked about me, I crumble on my bed and proceed to shed the tears which I never mean to cry. I reach for the blue bear which came from him, together with a bouquet of blue roses delivered to my doorstep so many months ago and it reminds me of times...good times that we went through. As horrible as both of us described our times together as, there were good times. I never meant to get hurt from all of this but from the looks of it, I obviously am. I know he has moved on, I want him to move on, I'm really glad he's moving on, I shouldn't care if he's moved on or not but I do. I still do. I still care.

And stupid as it may sounds, I hate it when I admit this to myself, but sometimes I feel like I still need him. I feel like I really need him to tell me everything's going okay and I did the right thing. I need him beside me to consult on important, life-changing matters and how its reassuring to know that at least, there's one person behind you to support whetever decision it is you're making. Hah...really...I am going loco. Maybe I should just re-address my priorities in life and who I consult for certain matters now because it won't be him anymore. I don't know. Maybe I got used to asking for his approval in (almost) everything that I've done that in this one last thing, this thing which would change my destiny and life forever, I still want him in the decision-making process. Stupid, stupid...because I know he doesn't even care what I do with my life anymore. Why should I depend on him to come by and say 'Go'? Why? I can say it myself. I'll 'GO'.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I won't do unto you what others have done to me. I won't play the same game which I abhorred and abstained from all these while. All I want to know is...why? Why did you do this to me, to him, to us? Maybe it IS all my undoing, maybe I should accept that I was the reason this thing crumbled to pieces. Yes, I agree, I take full responsibility for that. But I won't lie and say that I was not provoked. Oh wells, never mind. I'll leave it alone and get it over with on my own.

If only I could say sorry to his mom and grandma. His dad and brothers and aunties and cousins. If only they knew what exactly went on and not just see things at face value then maybe...I don't know. Why would I want them to? So they'd know who exactly was at fault? So they won't blame me? But they're his family and would stick by him only. They have him and to them, I am nothing. Right. So...it doesnt really matter if they knew the truth or not. It doesnt matter if they blamed me for breaking his poor heart and being such a terrible, disgusting, difficult girlfriend to him. I see my family and reflect it onto his and I know...they feel like that for me too. It doesnt matter anymore.

Maybe one day we could sit down and talk things out. About what? I don't quite know. But all I know is to sit down face to face and say things we left unsaid before is my way of achieving closure. Until that is done, I cannot rest. I cannot pack my things and fly halfway around the globe for three years knowing that I have some unfinished business. But most of all, I want his blessings, his forgiveness, his assurances and his best wishes for me in his heart so that I can go and never look back, never have a reason to do so because he has let me go. And I shall go free.

I won't start thinking about what might happen when I come back. I dont even know if I'm going. But from the looks of it, never say never. Maybe...one day...if possible...if fated...you'll never know.

 ******

As I walked towards him, he smiled. "Hello darling" he said, pinched my chin, hugged my shoulders. I smiled, said hello back and made my way towards my workstation. He's crazy like that, even starting to call me Siti Nurhaliza. I'm sick for thinking about this. But I can't help it.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 13:03

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Mood:  flirty

So play the song the way it used to be
Before she left and changed it all to sadness
And maybe if she's passing by the window
She will hear our love song and the melody
And even if the words are not so tender
She will always remember the way it used to be

Loneliness did not hit me when I see everyone getting involved with one another. It came when I go to sleep knowing that someone no longer has me in his heart.

Not my words. Just a random cry I read somewhere and deemed it fully applicable considering the circumstances. I think its tiring to keep two blogs at any one time but I guess, for the sake of my sanity, it has to be done. Funny how I didn't even think I'd need a blog when I started one while I was in school and right now, three years on and 200 posts later, I truly am glad that I did. Because right now, I have something else, other than my rusty old brain, to remember the important things in my life and the events which surrounds it.

I think I grew up. I hope I did. Judging from the stupid posts I used to put up and how it became more of an outlet of feelings for me rather than an attention-seeking device, I guess this blog has done for me what I really needed at this point in my life and which I didn't even know existed. I had hoped it wasn't so easily available or that certain people don't already have a sort of link to it but I guess this is MY blog and well...I don't really give a damn if it insults anybody.

Its sad, knowing that 'the way it used to be' seems to be all rosy and perfectly wonderful. Its depressing how life deals you the years and yet expect you to stay the same. Maybe it doesnt. Maybe its us humans who expect things to stay the same. Whatever it is, time is moving along as fast as inhumanely possible and I'm ticking my life away a second at a time. Sometimes, I can hear the years ticking by slowly. These are the worst and most draggy days of my life. Someone once said how age is such an important motivator. I agree. If i was still stuck being a teen then I wouldnt be so eager to tick off my ambitions one by one. If nobody grew old then there's no point of living...just getting by. If nobody dies, then life would be an endless party. Perfect.

But life is such that its unpredictable. I told Ariff my plans and how it was shattered and all he could say was, he's not the procrastinating type. He's a dreamer, never a planner and yet he gets things done with clockwork precision. I'm a planner, but such a great procrastinator that I see my life crumble to pieces before I have the heart to do something about it. Such is my love life. It breaks into pieces right before my very eyes, as well as the perfect plans it was built on and all I can say after that...after wringing myself void of tears and the shock of the heartaches still reverberates through my cardiac system...is that I'm moving on. I can't stand to live in the past and wallow in the things that could have happened. I prefer to set out and make it happen on my own. Such is my plans right now, if only I could find someone who thinks the same way and is eager enough to join me.

Life is beautiful. Its only the people in it that's not so great.

Sprechen Sie.. FrouFrou at 16:01

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